dealing the cards like a meditation

Monday, January 05, 2004

In San Diego, before my big test.

This covers me: ace of wands
This crosses me: the tower
This is beneath me: the hermit reversed
This is behind me: the hanged man
This crowns me: 10 of wands
This is before me: 5 of swords
My fears: knight of pentacles
What others think: 6 of wands
My hopes: 8 of pentacles
The final outcome: 5 of wands

This is an ambivalent reading, with some positive cards, and some troubling cards. The ace of wands showcases creative spirit, the drive to begin again. The hermit reversed suggests the end of my lonely existence (although, I suppose, this is still double edged.) The hanged man, whose influence is waning, may represent the problems and dilemmas that have bound me. It may also represent the fact that I have become good at enduring torture. The 10 of wands actually reinforces the idea that I have a horrible martyr complex, a theme that is again reiterated by the knight of pentacles—someone who does his duty even if that is not where his heart truly lies. Because of the particular place I am in my life, the 6 of wands, representing a victorious home coming, is particularly appropriate. Ever more so is the insinuation that this homecoming is mostly for show (as deep inside, the 5 of swords lurks—the lord of defeat, a dark and troubling card.) This card makes me think of Christ's Passion, once again evoking my inescapable martyr complex. The 8 of pentacles represents my hopes perfectly—I want to learn my Art well, I want to gain the peace and steadiness of disciplined, meticulous work. The 5 of wands, while illustrating a conflict, points more to a conflict that allows one to thrive, a fight where one can express his skill in the Art of War without fear of defeat. In other words, the game is rigged in my favor. But the card that troubles me the most is the Tower. This is my least favorite card, and I can't help but read complete and utter disaster in it. Now, not all destruction is an evil. (My local environment informs me well of this: the chapparral only thrives because of the recurrent firestorms that sweep through the mountains.) But it is nevertheless tumultous, and one can never be sure if one will survive it, or end up as one of the unfortunates plummeting to their depths. (This card also evokes memories of September 11.) At the time I did this reading, I wondered whether the Tower represented how well I would do on the test.

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